Who Are You Trying to Impress?

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.

Registered Clinical Counsellor 

Do you find yourself exhausted most of the time, yet feel that you’re not doing enough?

Do you resolve to do things differently every year, but then fall back into the same habits?

Do people tell you that you take on too much or that you need to slow down?

Stop and ask yourself why you’re doing so much. Is it because you want to do it all? Or do you feel obligated to do it all? If you truly enjoy doing it all – getting the perfect gift for your family and friends, making the perfect turkey dinner from scratch, making decorations – and truly feel satisfied, then keep doing it.

If you find yourself feeling more tired and resentful at the myriad of things you have committed yourself to doing, then stop and ask yourself the following questions: Who is telling you to “do it all”? Do you feel like a failure as a woman, a wife, a daughter, a sister, or a mother if everything isn’t perfect this holiday season? Will your in-laws quietly, but poignantly “tsk-tsk” you if everything isn’t just so?

If you truly enjoy doing everything for everybody and don’t feel an ounce of resentment for being pulled in many different directions by many different people and still enjoy making a ten course meal, then read no further.

If, on the other hand, you find yourself doing things for others hoping to impress them, one-up them, seek their love or approval, or otherwise distract yourself from pain and hurt in other areas of your life, then it’s time to seriously re-evaluate why you are catering to the needs to others while neglecting your own health and well-being.

You’re not doing anybody any good by being unkind to yourself. If anything, you’re showing others how to treat you. And you’re probably not setting a very good example, right?

When you don’t treat yourself kindly, then why should others?

How to Decrease Holiday Stress

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.

Registered Clinical Counsellor 

It’s that time of year again: family dinners, gift exchanges, and the same predictable questions that lead to tension and arguments, which can make the holiday season anything but festive. 

Your family has its own cast of characters with issues, repetitive patterns, and the same hurts and the same responses year after year. Nothing new comes out of these holiday gatherings, except a new layer of anger, stress, and disappointment.

What to do? Refuse to attend the family holiday gathering? No, it doesn’t have to come to that. While you can’t control how others will behave, you can control how you react to their behaviour. In other words, you can change your part in the script even though you can’t change the plot. 

Read on for my five steps to decrease holiday stress:

Step One: Resolve that you are not responsible for changing the family script. 

Step Two: Make a list of the major issues that will come up. Identify the people and their typical comments and behaviours. Make sure you do this for comments that are directed at you, as well as your comments to others. For example, your mom asks you for the umpteenth time why you’re not married yet or you tell your brother that he made a huge mistake marrying that awful woman (even when she’s sitting right across the table from you). 

Step Three: Write down your typical responses to the comments others make. For example, when your mom asks you when you’re finally going to bring a “special someone” to the family holiday dinner, your typical response is, “Why don’t you find a hobby, like picking lint from your sweaters?” Or you sit in silence, fuming over her nagging you to get married and then snap at your brother (who only asked you if you’re going shopping on Boxing Day).

Step Four: Write down your fantasy responses for each issue. You’re only human, right? If you want to throw your glass of wine in your mother’s face when she starts asking questions about your live life, write it down. Or if you can’t stand the sight of your sister-in-law and the only thing that would make the family dinner more bearable is telling her she’s a disgusting pig who can’t keep her house clean, write it down. You’re not going to share this with anyone, so you might as well be honest and have some fun doing it.

Step Five: Create an action plan. Write down three neutral, non-inflammatory responses for each problematic issue that comes up. These responses should steer the conversation in a different direction (“Yes, Aunt Mary’s new boyfriend does look like he just graduated from college. Did I tell you that I’m going to Nepal in March?” change the tone of the conversation (“I’d be happy to wear something more festive” and go change into the ugliest top you can find), or end the conversation (“Thanks for your suggestion, but I’m sticking with my original decision”).

While there’s no guarantee that doing something different will have a lasting effect on others, you’ll at least decrease your stress levels and increase your chances of actually having some fun if you follow the steps outlined above.

Single? It’s Ok (and Legal) to Discriminate Against You

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.

Registered Clinical Counsellor 

Single? You’re being discriminated against. The government, as well as many employers, thinks it’s okay.

Discriminating against single people is something that most people likely haven’t thought about. Yet economic discrimination against single people is legally sanctioned. These are just a few examples of the ways in which single men and women are legally discriminated against in Canada:

•  In the workplace, if you’re a single man, you’re being paid far less than a married man for the same work. Research has demonstrated this very clearly.

• Single men and women are unable to add a sibling or a friend to their extended health and dental plans while married and common-law individuals have the option of adding one another, as well as their children. This means single men and women are being compensated less for doing the same work as their married or common-law co-workers.

• Single men and women pay the same pension contribution percentage as married people and cannot assign their contributions to an individual of their choosing while a married person automatically obtains their deceased spouse’s contributions.

• If one person in a married or common-law relationship earns less than $10,382.00 per year, their spouse/partner can claim the difference under what’s called a non-refundable tax credit. This is something that singles cannot take advantage of, unless they’re supporting a parent or a child.

• Single, child-free women and men don’t have the option of taking a leave with pay unlike their co-workers with children who enjoy maternity and parental leave.

Would any of these examples of discrimination be acceptable if “single man” or “single woman” was replaced with “Black man” or “Korean woman”?

In addition to the social stigma that many single men and women experience, they must also accept legalized economic discrimination based solely on their marital status. 

It’s time that single men and women demand equal compensation and benefits from the government and their employers.

Am I Too Sensitive?

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.

Registered Clinical Counsellor

Recently, I received an email from Joyce (not her real name) whose married friends seem to be treating her differently because she’s single. Given my specialty in relationship transitions and the challenges single men and women face, I asked Joyce if I could post her question on my blog and she agreed (I’ve changed identifying information to protect her privacy). Read on to find out what I tell Joyce about how singles are sometimes treated differently. My answer may surprise you:

Dear Dr. Avni,

I’m a single 28 year-old woman and I feel like I’m losing my three best friends. We’ve all been best friends since elementary school and we’ve shared a lot of great memories. We used to hang out regularly before they got married. When they got engaged, I helped plan the engagement parties, stagettes, wedding showers, and bought them wedding gifts (even though I was a student at the time and really couldn’t afford to part with the cash). One of my friends had twins three years ago and I helped organize the baby shower and I’ve bought birthday gifts every year for the girls. 

I’m really happy for my friends, but there’s a part of me that resents them because they’ve never celebrated me the same way I’ve celebrated them. Even though I’m single, I think I’ve accomplished a few significant things that deserve a celebration (I was the first person in my family to get a university degree, I’ve run a marathon, and I recently got my blue belt in judo). 

Lately, I feel like I’m being excluded from the group. They don’t invite me when they go out to dinner or the symphony with their spouses. The friend with twins and her husband sometimes go when they can find a sitter. They’ll put pics on Facebook and talk about how much fun they had right in front of me. If they do invite me to go out, it’s usually for a girls-only brunch at a child-friendly place so my friend with the twins can come. 

Am I being too sensitive? Do I have some jealousy issues that I’m unaware of and need to solve? I’m hurt that I’m being excluded from the group. I know life circumstances change, but I don’t think that just because a person gets married gives them the right to treat their single friends so poorly.

--Joyce

Dear Joyce,

Thank you for taking the time to write to me. Before I provide you with my response, I would like to acknowledge what a kind and supportive friend you are. You’ve clearly spent a lot of time and money making your friends’ celebrations extra special because you knew how important their weddings, as well as the birth of the twins, were to them.  

Let me start of by saying that you are not being too sensitive and you do not have jealousy issues. You’ve spent many hours and, likely, thousands of dollars on your friends’ special occasions and have found that your special occasions were not acknowledged and/or celebrated in the same way. Your friends didn’t reciprocate your actions. Your resentment is normal and understandable. 

Your status within the group appears to have changed now that your friends are married. You used to enjoy dinners out and now you’re only invited to brunches in a child-friendly environment so that your friend with twins can attend. I’m wondering whether the venues your friends choose for their couples-only nights out are also child-friendly. If they’re not, do your friend and her husband hire a baby-sitter to look after the twins? The reason I ask is that if, in fact, they’re not child- friendly venues, then the message she’s sending is that she’s got the time and money for a baby-sitter when she wants to socialize with other couples, but not with you, a single woman. I sure hope I’m wrong about this.

Chances are, your friends may not have realized how their actions have been affecting you. Many married people don’t always realize that they treat their single friends and family members differently. Unfortunately, neglecting a single person’s special occasions and accomplishments is common (though it doesn’t make it okay). Many single people may feel that they’re reading too much into things or are being petty when they start to feel frustrated with how they’re being treated by their married friends or family members. 

Please don’t continue selling yourself short in the dignity department. Talk to your friends as a group (and not individually) and let them know how their actions have been affecting you. Provide them with specific examples. Resist the urge to blame and point fingers as this will likely make them feel defensive. Don’t be apologetic; you have the right to experience your feelings. They are what they are. They’re not “wrong” or “bad.” 

If you find that nothing has changed after you’ve expressed your concerns, perhaps it’s time to look for new friends who will honour you and celebrate your important achievements and special occasions and won’t demote you to a brunch (whether consciously or not) because you’re single.

Go ahead! Make a mistake!

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.  
Registered Clinical Counsellor

Did you grow up hearing that if you do things slowly and carefully enough, you won’t make any mistakes? Or that if you take the time to learn from other people’s mistakes, you can avoid making your own?

As well-meaning as this advice probably was, it likely did you more harm than good. How? By teaching you that it’s unacceptable to make mistakes and not to try anything new because of fear of failure. Research shows that perfectionists fear challenging tasks, take fewer risks, and are less creative than non-perfectionists.

No wonder so many people struggle with perfectionism and the feelings of anxiety and fear that can accompany it.

So how do you break free from perfectionism and allow yourself to make mistakes? Read on to find out: 

1)Determine where your perfectionism comes from.

Many people are afraid to make mistakes because they’re afraid of being criticized or seen as incompetent by parents, teachers, friends, co-workers, or people in general. Were you judged harshly or criticized for making mistakes growing up? Were you singled out in class for making a mistake and ridiculed by your teacher or peers? Think about where your perfectionism comes from. These early childhood experiences can have a lasting effect on you. 

2)Examine your beliefs about failure.

‘Failure’ is the other f-word that people don’t like to hear. Examine your thoughts about what would happen if you failed at something. For many people, if they fail at something, they automatically think that their mistake will lead to a catastrophe. For example, I failed my very first midterm in university. When I received my mark, I automatically thought that I would fail out of university and end up poor and homeless. Obviously, these thoughts were illogical, but that’s the nature of perfectionism – perfectionism is illogical because nobody can be perfect. What are your beliefs about failure? Chances are, they’re probably illogical. Think of an instance when you were scared to fail or make a mistake. What’s the worst thing that could happen if you failed or messed up? What would happen after that? How do you think you’d handle it?

3)Find examples that prove your beliefs about failure are wrong.

I’ve failed more than one test and forgotten what to say during more than one presentation. Guess what? I didn’t get kicked out of school and become homeless. More importantly, the world didn’t come to an end. Can you think of any facts that challenge your beliefs about making mistakes?

4)Develop new and healthy beliefs.

One reason why we fear making mistakes is because of the negative or critical reactions of others to our screw-ups. When we see others respond negatively to our mistakes, we learn to think that making mistakes is bad. Yet making mistakes is actually a good thing! How else would you learn? Think about when you were learning how to ride a bike. If you hadn’t fallen off your bike a few hundred times, you wouldn’t be able to ride a bike today. 

5)Allow yourself to make a mistake.

So many people beat themselves up for making a mistake that they lose sight of the fact that they’ve just been given a great learning opportunity. You may feel ashamed or embarrassed and tell yourself you’re a loser, an idiot, you’ve let down your family and friends, and think about your screw up over and over again. When you notice yourself doing this, stop and notice the emotions you’re experiencing and where you’re experiencing them in your body. Observe the thoughts going through your mind and label them as just that – thoughts. Thoughts are not facts. Ask yourself what you’ve learned from your mistake and how you might use what you’ve learned in the future. 

It’s easy to feel the pressure to excel in a society where our worth is largely dependent on how others evaluate us. Yet if you wish to learn and grow, you need to allow yourself to not only make mistakes, but to also learn how to handle the inevitable disappointment that comes with making them.

Ten Tips for Living Your Single Life Fully and Unapologetically

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.

Registered Clinical Counsellor

You know that being single is how you want to live your life. Unfortunately, not everyone may agree with your decision and some may not hesitate to tell you so. Read my ten tips on how to live your single life fully and without apologies: 

1)Acknowledge and accept that you live in a marriage-obsessed society

We live in a society that stereotypes, devalues, and pathologizes singles. Your family, friends, and co-workers may do so, too (unintentionally...or not, on occasion). It’s ok to remind yourself that it’s not easy being single in a marriage-obsessed society.

2)Throw away those people-pleasing scripts

Your family and friends want to see you get married. If you know that married life isn’t for you, then start taking charge of your life by throwing away people-pleasing scripts. Stop telling others what you think they want to hear (“I’d love to get married someday, I just haven’t met the right person yet.”). Tell them that while you appreciate their good wishes, you know that you’re happiest single. If they want you to be happy, they’ll stop asking about your dating life.  

3)Decide how you’re going to handle the inevitable comments or putdowns of your single status

Some people may make rude comments when they find out you’re single. While you can’t control other people’s reactions, you can choose how you’ll react to their behaviour. Just remember that a little humour and witticism go a long way:

Question: “Why aren’t you married?”

Response: “Why aren’t you an accountant?”

4)Stop defending your single status

Perhaps you’ve known for a while that you’re happiest single. Or maybe you’re content being single and would like to be in a relationship again at some point. Your relationship status doesn’t require justification to every Tom, Dick, and Nosy Nelly who wants to know why you’re single. Your relationship status is private and shouldn’t be the topic of conversation (unless you bring it up). After all, do your married or coupled friends publicize their sex life? Do you think they would like it if their sex life were the topic of conversation? I didn't think so, either.

5)Pursue your passions 

Have you always wanted to learn Spanish or how to make sushi? Then go learn! Read books, take classes, or find community groups that support members in developing their hobby. If someone tells you that taking these classes will increase your chances of finding a partner, remind them that you’re doing it for yourself and not for the possibility of meeting someone. 

6)Educate yourself and others about the marriage myth

Research has shown that singles are just as happy and healthy as married couples.* In fact, studies have also shown that married people do not live longer than single people.** So next time a health care professional, family member, or friend tells you to get married because you’ll be happier and you’ll give longer, you can tell them that the get-married-and-be-happier-and-live-longer thing is a lie. 

7)Re-think how you view relationships

Many people think of a romantic partner when they hear the word ‘relationship.’ Yet this word encompasses many different types of relationships: friendships, family relationships, relationships with the children in your life, work relationships, mentorship, etc. In our society, the only type of relationship that seems to matter is the monogamous sexual relationship with a spouse. Don’t fall into this thinking trap. 

8)Surround yourself with supportive people 

Surround yourself with people who love, support, and accept you for who you are, whether you’re single or not. If a friend constantly tries to set you up on blind dates, tell them that you’re not interested. If that doesn’t work, remind them that they’re imposing their values (wanting to become un-single) onto you. If that still doesn’t work, and this person is married, give them a divorce lawyer’s business card every time they bring up a blind date. They’ll get the hint pretty quickly.

9)Decide if you want to include physical intimacy in your life

Physical intimacy isn’t just about sex; it also includes intimate gazes, touching, holding hands, hugging, kissing, and caressing. Think about how much physical intimacy you want in your life. Some singles may want physically intimate encounters regularly while others are perfectly happy without physical intimacy. The amount of physical intimacy you want is a personal choice and shouldn’t be defined by what your friends or the media tell you.

10)Respect your time and resources

You’ve probably shelled out a significant amount of time and money to attend a number of engagement parties, bridal showers, weddings, stags, and stagettes. While these are joyous occasions, you can’t help but feel resentful because the same amount of time, attention, and resources may not given to you for your special occasions. This is perfectly normal and doesn’t mean you’re jealous (unlike what many so-called relationship experts would say). The reciprocal nature of gift-giving doesn’t exist if you’re single. If you’re growing resentful of constantly giving your time and resources to your coupled friends, yet receive nothing in return for your important occasions, it’s time to either discuss the matter with your friends or re-evaluate your generosity and/or friendship.   

*http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/201102/10-myths-about-single-people-here-are-the-first-4

**http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/201007/death-and-marital-status-the-link-is-not-what-you-think

Anxiety: Know Your Enemy

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.

Registered Clinical Counsellor

In my previous post, I talked about why your anxiety isn’t getting better, no matter how much you exercise, sleep, eat better, or take vitamins or anti-anxiety medication. The reason is because these strategies teach you that anxiety is abnormal and should be avoided or managed in order to live a rich and fulfilling life.

So what are you supposed to do when anxiety starts to creep up on you?

The most important step you can take is to stop struggling against anxiety. Stop trying to control unwanted thoughts, feelings, images, fears, and worries. Stop the relentless tug-of-war. Allow yourself to feel the anxiety just as it is, in its entirety, without judgment, and without beating yourself up. One way of doing this is by practicing mindfulness.

Mindfulness involves paying attention to your present experience on a moment-to-moment basis in a curious, open, and nonjudgmental way. It involves being aware of what’s going on in your mind, body, and heart. Mindfulness is about connecting with yourself and appreciating the richness and fullness of each moment of life.

Mindfulness can help you learn to experience unwanted thoughts and feelings AND learn how to distance yourself from them so you can keep doing what you want to do, like go to the movies, ride on an airplane, take an elevator, meet new people, etc. Mindfulness can help you live a rich and full life, in spite of anxiety and fear. 

When you’re no longer struggling  against anxiety, you’re doing three things: You’re acknowledging the struggle itself, you’re allowing yourself to experience just how exhausting and pointless that struggle is (and has been and will continue to be), and you’re facing how the struggle has kept you stuck in the same place for months, or even years. This can be an incredibly liberating experience.

No longer fighting or running away from your anxiety is probably one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Yet trying to control your anxiety will make your life worse, not better. Practicing mindfulness can help you become aware of what you’re avoiding while allowing you to experience unpleasant thoughts and feelings safely while developing self-acceptance and compassion for yourself. This sounds like a much better alternative to the never-ending tug-of-war with anxiety, doesn’t it?

Why Your Anxiety Doesn’t Seem to Get Better

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.
Registered Clinical Counsellor

If you’re struggling with anxiety, you’ve probably been told by well meaning friends, and even some health care professionals, to exercise more frequently, eat better, sleep more, make time each day for relaxation exercises, sign up for yoga, or take vitamin supplements or anti-anxiety medication.  

Guess what? 

None of these strategies will work in the long run. In fact, they can make the anxiety you’re experiencing worse. 

How is this possible? What these strategies teach us is that intense anxiety is abnormal and must be avoided or managed to live a worthwhile life. This simply is not true. Intense anxiety is not abnormal; it’s not a sign of weakness; and it’s not a sign of ‘bad genes.’ 

Many people often confuse fear with anxiety. Fear is an intense, present-oriented emotion needed for survival when your health or safety is threatened. When you’re afraid, your body will do many things to make sure you get moving to take care of yourself, like increase your heartbeat and blood pressure, or stop digestion (who has the energy to digest a pie when you’re faced with a black bear?). Sometimes, your body will ‘freeze’ to prevent you from being harmed even further in the face of danger. These are all adaptive responses to fear that will help you take fast action to protect yourself.

Anxiety, by contrast, is a future-oriented emotion. People who are anxious feel a sense of doom, worry, or apprehension about the future. Their muscles become tenser. The bodily changes that accompany anxiety are much less intense than those associated with fear. Yet anxiety can last a lot longer than fear, sometimes for weeks, months, or even years. How is this possible? It’s because anxiety tends to be fed more by what your mind says than by real sources of threat or danger.

Anxiety is not the enemy; it’s the rigid avoidance of anxiety that’s preventing you from living a healthier and richer life. Research has shown that avoidance is the most important factor responsible for turning anxieties, fears, and worries into serious physical and mental health problems. Avoidance means you’re running away from the people, places, or situations that bring about unpleasant feelings. No amount of exercise, sleep, or anti-anxiety medication will help with avoidance behaviours.

So if the well-meaning advice of your friends, family, and health care professionals isn’t helpful, then what can you do? Stay tuned for my next article on the most important step you need to take to stop struggling with anxiety and start living your best life.

All the Single Ladies...are Happy?

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.

Registered Clinical Counsellor

A woman who tells you she is single and happy is...lying. Right? At least that’s what many people are inclined to think. How can a woman be happy if she doesn’t have anybody in her life? Why is it hard to believe that women can be single and happy? More importantly, why it is hard for many women to believe this?

One of the main reasons is because women are told from a very young age, either directly or indirectly, that their worth is determined by being in a relationship. Nothing a woman accomplishes in life matters if she doesn’t have somebody special to share it with...and that somebody special should be somebody she’s having sex with. No wonder being a single woman in a couples-obsessed society can be tough.

Being single is not a personal problem. It’s a societal problem that’s causing a lot of women unnecessary problems. Women are blamed for being single. They are told by well-meaning friends, family members, co-workers, and even complete strangers what they’re doing wrong (“You’re too independent” or “You’re too picky”) and how they can ‘fix’ themselves to improve their chances of getting married or re-married (“Lower your standards” or “Wear more makeup and wear red. Men love the colour red”). Some women choose to accept this advice while others do not. The cycle repeats itself. Again. And again.

No matter what single women say (“I’ve got great family and/or friends, lots of hobbies, and I travel every year”) or do (complete an advanced degree, learn how to play the flute), most people won’t believe them when they say they’re single and happy. Single women just can’t win. In fact, society will have its own explanation for why these women are single. Do “You can’t trust men,” “You’ve got issues stemming from your relationship with your father,” or “You’ve spent the prime years of your life in school or trying to get promoted ” sound familiar? 

As long as society tells women that they must be married in order to be happy, women will continue to fix imaginary problems and keep blaming themselves for being single. 

Do you think it’s possible for women to be single and happy? I welcome your comments.

The Importance of Values

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.
Registered Clinical Counsellor

What are your values?

This may seem like a silly question, but read it again and take a moment to think about it.

What are your values? What is important to you? Why is it important to you? 

Part of living your best life means knowing what your values are. Values are the standards you choose to live your life by. Your values are your compass, which help to draw the map of your life and guide you in your daily decision making. They help you live a life that you feel passionate and excited about. 

Many people are unaware of their value system. They may have been instilled with certain values growing up, but may come to a different conclusion about what’s important to them when they’ve reached a certain age or have accumulated more life experience. This is perfectly okay. Values can change according to age, life stage, or going through an experience that challenges us to rethink our standards. 

What isn’t okay is living a life according to other people’s standards. Some people are afraid to live the life they want because they’re worried about what others will think of them.  When you let others dictate how to live your life, you are letting them impose their values onto you. For example, if you don’t think marriage is important for happiness or fulfillment, then don’t get married. If material wealth isn’t important to you, then don’t buy things you can't afford. 

Don’t be afraid to live the life you want because of what others may think. Let go of the ‘shoulds’ and ‘musts.’ Remember that what others think of you is actually a reflection of them. When they try to impose their values onto you, they are being selfish. What good can come out of a relationship in which somebody is telling you what you should think is important and, even worse, how to live your life?

The challenge for many people is to identify their values without letting others influence what these values should be. Forget what others want you to think is important. Ask yourself not only what’s important for you to live your best life, but why these standards are important to you. When you know what’s important to you and why, the world will look and feel much clearer. You will make decisions more easily. You will live life more fully. 

Most importantly, you will live your life on your own terms.

Ten Tips for Living Your Best Life

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.
Registered Clinical Counsellor

What does living your best life mean? It means honouring your most important values, needs, and complexities. It means living a life you would be proud for your family and friends to emulate. If you’re ready to live your best life, follow these ten tips:

1) Know what is truly important to you and why.

Take the time to write down what’s important to you and what’s not. Some questions to ask yourself: What makes you feel alive? What gives you purpose and meaning? What type of person would you loathe to become? What are you planning for and why? Your values are your compass, which help to draw the map of your life and guide you in your daily decision making.

2) Make your health a priority.

The time to make your health a priority is all time. When life gets hectic, our health is often the first thing we compromise. Make sure you eat a balanced diet and drink plenty of water. Exercise regularly and consistently. Be emotionally healthy. Find a faith or spiritual community if this is important to you. When you don’t have your health, what do you really have?

3) Throw away the people-pleasing scripts.

Take charge of your life by making your own decisions. Learn to recognize and discard the people-pleasing scripts that have been holding you back. Write your own script and make it your mission to live your life for yourself and not others. Create a life you feel good about.

4) Make mistakes.

It’s easy to feel the pressure to excel in a society where our worth is largely dependent on how others evaluate us. Yet if you wish to learn and grow, you need to allow yourself to not only make mistakes, but to also learn how to handle the inevitable disappointment that comes with making them.

5) Take responsibility for your life.

Your actions cause your rewards and consequences. Take control of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. Change the way you think. Take control of your feelings. Stop blaming your parents, siblings, friends, teachers, etc., for your problems. Don’t rely on anybody for your happiness, self-esteem, and financial security. Start taking control of your life.

6) Give back to your community.

Part of living your best life is sharing the lessons and gifts you were given with others. Volunteer. Be a mentor. Care about your community and the environment. Get involved in a cause that you’re passionate about. Think about the legacy you want to leave.

7) Re-think how you view romantic relationships.

A lot of people place too many expectations on their partner. Ask yourself why it is you expect your partner to meet all of your needs when you can have some of these needs met in other ways (e.g., through friends, family, hobbies, yourself). Don’t make someone your everything because when they’re emotionally or physically gone, you’ll have nothing.

8) Be kind and compassionate to yourself and others.

Treat yourself and others with the kindness, compassion, and respect that you wish to be treated with. Set and maintain healthy boundaries. Learn to give and accept compliments. Celebrate your accomplishments, no matter how small they may appear. Give yourself permission to live the life you want.

9) Surround yourself with supportive people.

Surround yourself with people who love and support you and accept you for who you are. Let go of negative, toxic, and dishonest people. How do you know which relationships need to be reconsidered? One sure fire way to know is to monitor how you feel before, during, and after a get together with someone. If you dread seeing that person, feel like your time with them is forced, and are relieved when it’s time to say good-bye, chances are, this relationship has run its course.

10) Learn to forgive.

Forgiveness is giving up the hope of a different past. While it’s important not to deny your past, it’s also vital not to let it define your future. Reframe the trials and tribulations you went through by learning from them and forgiving yourself for what you did or did not do, as well as the person who hurt you. Forgiveness is not for the person who hurt you; it’s for you.

Take a good look at how you’re living your life: Are you surviving or thriving? If you’re surviving, you’re settling. When you’re thriving, you’re living a life that fills your soul with vitality and energy. Make it your mission to live the life you truly want: your best life.  

 

Stanley Cup Riots: It Ain’t Just The ‘Bad Apples’

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.
Registered Clinical Counsellor

Many people seem to believe that losing the final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs, along with drug and alcohol consumption and a few ‘bad apples,’ were the cause of the riots. While these factors contributed to the events following the Boston Bruins’ 4-0 victory over the Vancouver Canucks on June 15^th, 2011, the reasons are more complex and require an understanding of three key psychological concepts to help explain why otherwise law-abiding citizens would either engage in harmful and illegal behaviour or do nothing to stop it.

The first concept is deindividuation, which is the loss of individuality that occurs when a person becomes submerged in a group and feels relatively anonymous. We see this frequently in sporting events when fans paint their faces, wear masks, and adorn their favourite team’s jerseys. The anonymity of face paints and masks allows for the loss of a sense of individual responsibility and may encourage a person to participate in acts they would not normally engage in if they were alone. Personal identity and self-awareness are lost in a group and are replaced by the identification with the goals and actions of the group. The power of deindividuation is so strong that cell phone cameras and videos, which would be considered as obvious deterrents, do not prevent group participation in destructive and illegal acts.

 

Emotional contagion, the second concept, is the tendency to automatically copy and synchronize emotional expressions, postures, vocalizations, and movements of another person. The emotions triggered in a crowd are very powerful. During the 2010 Winter Olympics, the excitement and exhilaration was shared by virtually everybody in the crowds gathered in downtown Vancouver. Wednesday’s riots, however, shows how susceptible some people are to catching anger and fury fuelled by a small number of individuals. 

Finally, bystander effect and diffusion of responsibility dictate that the more witnesses are present, the less likely it is that anybody will intervene. People tend to think that somebody else will intervene, which makes it less likely that they would stop laws or social norms from being broken. Not only is there not much safety in numbers, but an individual’s perception of his or her responsibility also affects his or her interpretation of the event. If a bystander thinks that setting vehicles on fire or assaulting a fan of the rival team is a nonemergency, they are unlikely to intervene. While there certainly were individuals who attempted to stop looters and break up fights, the vast majority of the crowd didn’t attempt to intervene when they saw people looting stores, being physically assaulted, or cars being set on fire. Many looked on or tried to capture these images on their cell phone cameras. 

It’s easy to blame the ‘bad apples’ for the destruction and injuries caused during the riots yet doing so undermines the powerful psychological factors that make otherwise law-abiding citizens participate in harmful and illegal acts or, more commonly, stand by and do nothing.

Live Your Best Life!

Hello and welcome!

My name is Dr. Anoosha Avni and I'm a Registered Clinical Counsellor and Director of Vanora Wellness Solutions. I'm passionate about helping people live their best life. 

I provide counselling for teenagers and adults who are struggling with the following challenges:

• Anxiety
• Phobias
• Being single in a couples-obsessed world

I believe that everyone possesses the wisdom and intuition needed to live their best life. Living your best life means honouring your most important values, needs, and complexities. Sometimes, we need a little guidance to help us get back onto our path to living our best life. 

To learn more about how I can help you get back onto your path of living your best life, call (604) 917-0176 or email info@vanorawellness.com to set up a FREE, confidential 15-minute phone consultation.

I look forward to helping you live your best life.