Am I Too Sensitive?

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.

Registered Clinical Counsellor

Recently, I received an email from Joyce (not her real name) whose married friends seem to be treating her differently because she’s single. Given my specialty in relationship transitions and the challenges single men and women face, I asked Joyce if I could post her question on my blog and she agreed (I’ve changed identifying information to protect her privacy). Read on to find out what I tell Joyce about how singles are sometimes treated differently. My answer may surprise you:

Dear Dr. Avni,

I’m a single 28 year-old woman and I feel like I’m losing my three best friends. We’ve all been best friends since elementary school and we’ve shared a lot of great memories. We used to hang out regularly before they got married. When they got engaged, I helped plan the engagement parties, stagettes, wedding showers, and bought them wedding gifts (even though I was a student at the time and really couldn’t afford to part with the cash). One of my friends had twins three years ago and I helped organize the baby shower and I’ve bought birthday gifts every year for the girls. 

I’m really happy for my friends, but there’s a part of me that resents them because they’ve never celebrated me the same way I’ve celebrated them. Even though I’m single, I think I’ve accomplished a few significant things that deserve a celebration (I was the first person in my family to get a university degree, I’ve run a marathon, and I recently got my blue belt in judo). 

Lately, I feel like I’m being excluded from the group. They don’t invite me when they go out to dinner or the symphony with their spouses. The friend with twins and her husband sometimes go when they can find a sitter. They’ll put pics on Facebook and talk about how much fun they had right in front of me. If they do invite me to go out, it’s usually for a girls-only brunch at a child-friendly place so my friend with the twins can come. 

Am I being too sensitive? Do I have some jealousy issues that I’m unaware of and need to solve? I’m hurt that I’m being excluded from the group. I know life circumstances change, but I don’t think that just because a person gets married gives them the right to treat their single friends so poorly.

--Joyce

Dear Joyce,

Thank you for taking the time to write to me. Before I provide you with my response, I would like to acknowledge what a kind and supportive friend you are. You’ve clearly spent a lot of time and money making your friends’ celebrations extra special because you knew how important their weddings, as well as the birth of the twins, were to them.  

Let me start of by saying that you are not being too sensitive and you do not have jealousy issues. You’ve spent many hours and, likely, thousands of dollars on your friends’ special occasions and have found that your special occasions were not acknowledged and/or celebrated in the same way. Your friends didn’t reciprocate your actions. Your resentment is normal and understandable. 

Your status within the group appears to have changed now that your friends are married. You used to enjoy dinners out and now you’re only invited to brunches in a child-friendly environment so that your friend with twins can attend. I’m wondering whether the venues your friends choose for their couples-only nights out are also child-friendly. If they’re not, do your friend and her husband hire a baby-sitter to look after the twins? The reason I ask is that if, in fact, they’re not child- friendly venues, then the message she’s sending is that she’s got the time and money for a baby-sitter when she wants to socialize with other couples, but not with you, a single woman. I sure hope I’m wrong about this.

Chances are, your friends may not have realized how their actions have been affecting you. Many married people don’t always realize that they treat their single friends and family members differently. Unfortunately, neglecting a single person’s special occasions and accomplishments is common (though it doesn’t make it okay). Many single people may feel that they’re reading too much into things or are being petty when they start to feel frustrated with how they’re being treated by their married friends or family members. 

Please don’t continue selling yourself short in the dignity department. Talk to your friends as a group (and not individually) and let them know how their actions have been affecting you. Provide them with specific examples. Resist the urge to blame and point fingers as this will likely make them feel defensive. Don’t be apologetic; you have the right to experience your feelings. They are what they are. They’re not “wrong” or “bad.” 

If you find that nothing has changed after you’ve expressed your concerns, perhaps it’s time to look for new friends who will honour you and celebrate your important achievements and special occasions and won’t demote you to a brunch (whether consciously or not) because you’re single.