Why Being Too Nice is Literally Making You Sick

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.

Registered Clinical Counsellor 

In my eight years as a therapist, the majority of the clients I’ve worked with who were struggling with anxiety all had one thing in common: They were all nice. Too nice, actually. Their kindness and generosity was making them sick. Literally. They suffered from excessive worry, headaches, shakiness, muscle tension, irritability, sleep difficulties, nausea, and gastro-intestinal problems. Some even suffered from ulcers. 

It was hard for many of my clients to accept that the very qualities they were taught were desirable were the very qualities that were making them sick. They were people-pleasers. They sought approval from everybody. They were afraid of saying “no.” They avoided conflict at all costs, even at the cost of their own health.

Out of the many theories of anxiety, the Hidden Emotion Model is one that a lot of people who struggle with anxiety can relate to. This model is based on the idea that niceness is the cause of all anxiety. People who are prone to anxiety are almost always people-pleasers who fear conflict and distressing emotions such as guilt and anger. They ignore the guilt and anger they’re afraid to express. They do this so well that they’re usually not aware they’re doing it. These distressing emotions resurface in disguised forms as anxiety, panic, worry, and fear. 

When you expose the hidden, distressing feelings and solve the problem that’s bothering you, your anxiety will often decrease. Your health will improve and you’ll begin to see the world through a different lens. You’ll find the courage to set and maintain boundaries with others. 

After all, being nice shouldn’t cost you your health.

Valentine’s Day is About Love, Not Lovers

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.

Registered Clinical Counsellor 

Do you get so caught up with Valentine’s Day and wanting to make sure your spouse/partner shows you how special you are that you forget to demonstrate the same level of appreciation to your friends? 

Valentine’s Day is typically thought of as a day for lovers to adorn each other with gifts, compliments, affection, and a nice meal. Yet this narrow view of who is worthy of a Valentine’s Day celebration has left out the most important people in your life: your friends. They’re the ones who’ve been with you for a long time (usually longer than your spouse or partner), have seen you through the good times AND the bad, and gave you kindness, patience, support, companionship, laughter, and great memories. 

Isn’t this what love is?

Too often, we know our friends are there (or, worse, assume they always will be) and don’t bother telling them nor showing them how important they are to us, how they’ve helped us change and grow over the years, and how much our lives have been enhanced by their presence. 

Don't your friends deserve the same kind of thoughtfulness you’d show your spouse or partner?

This Valentine’s Day, make sure you celebrate your friendships, no matter what your relationship status is.

Who Are You Trying to Impress?

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.

Registered Clinical Counsellor 

Do you find yourself exhausted most of the time, yet feel that you’re not doing enough?

Do you resolve to do things differently every year, but then fall back into the same habits?

Do people tell you that you take on too much or that you need to slow down?

Stop and ask yourself why you’re doing so much. Is it because you want to do it all? Or do you feel obligated to do it all? If you truly enjoy doing it all – getting the perfect gift for your family and friends, making the perfect turkey dinner from scratch, making decorations – and truly feel satisfied, then keep doing it.

If you find yourself feeling more tired and resentful at the myriad of things you have committed yourself to doing, then stop and ask yourself the following questions: Who is telling you to “do it all”? Do you feel like a failure as a woman, a wife, a daughter, a sister, or a mother if everything isn’t perfect this holiday season? Will your in-laws quietly, but poignantly “tsk-tsk” you if everything isn’t just so?

If you truly enjoy doing everything for everybody and don’t feel an ounce of resentment for being pulled in many different directions by many different people and still enjoy making a ten course meal, then read no further.

If, on the other hand, you find yourself doing things for others hoping to impress them, one-up them, seek their love or approval, or otherwise distract yourself from pain and hurt in other areas of your life, then it’s time to seriously re-evaluate why you are catering to the needs to others while neglecting your own health and well-being.

You’re not doing anybody any good by being unkind to yourself. If anything, you’re showing others how to treat you. And you’re probably not setting a very good example, right?

When you don’t treat yourself kindly, then why should others?

How to Decrease Holiday Stress

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.

Registered Clinical Counsellor 

It’s that time of year again: family dinners, gift exchanges, and the same predictable questions that lead to tension and arguments, which can make the holiday season anything but festive. 

Your family has its own cast of characters with issues, repetitive patterns, and the same hurts and the same responses year after year. Nothing new comes out of these holiday gatherings, except a new layer of anger, stress, and disappointment.

What to do? Refuse to attend the family holiday gathering? No, it doesn’t have to come to that. While you can’t control how others will behave, you can control how you react to their behaviour. In other words, you can change your part in the script even though you can’t change the plot. 

Read on for my five steps to decrease holiday stress:

Step One: Resolve that you are not responsible for changing the family script. 

Step Two: Make a list of the major issues that will come up. Identify the people and their typical comments and behaviours. Make sure you do this for comments that are directed at you, as well as your comments to others. For example, your mom asks you for the umpteenth time why you’re not married yet or you tell your brother that he made a huge mistake marrying that awful woman (even when she’s sitting right across the table from you). 

Step Three: Write down your typical responses to the comments others make. For example, when your mom asks you when you’re finally going to bring a “special someone” to the family holiday dinner, your typical response is, “Why don’t you find a hobby, like picking lint from your sweaters?” Or you sit in silence, fuming over her nagging you to get married and then snap at your brother (who only asked you if you’re going shopping on Boxing Day).

Step Four: Write down your fantasy responses for each issue. You’re only human, right? If you want to throw your glass of wine in your mother’s face when she starts asking questions about your live life, write it down. Or if you can’t stand the sight of your sister-in-law and the only thing that would make the family dinner more bearable is telling her she’s a disgusting pig who can’t keep her house clean, write it down. You’re not going to share this with anyone, so you might as well be honest and have some fun doing it.

Step Five: Create an action plan. Write down three neutral, non-inflammatory responses for each problematic issue that comes up. These responses should steer the conversation in a different direction (“Yes, Aunt Mary’s new boyfriend does look like he just graduated from college. Did I tell you that I’m going to Nepal in March?” change the tone of the conversation (“I’d be happy to wear something more festive” and go change into the ugliest top you can find), or end the conversation (“Thanks for your suggestion, but I’m sticking with my original decision”).

While there’s no guarantee that doing something different will have a lasting effect on others, you’ll at least decrease your stress levels and increase your chances of actually having some fun if you follow the steps outlined above.

Single? It’s Ok (and Legal) to Discriminate Against You

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.

Registered Clinical Counsellor 

Single? You’re being discriminated against. The government, as well as many employers, thinks it’s okay.

Discriminating against single people is something that most people likely haven’t thought about. Yet economic discrimination against single people is legally sanctioned. These are just a few examples of the ways in which single men and women are legally discriminated against in Canada:

•  In the workplace, if you’re a single man, you’re being paid far less than a married man for the same work. Research has demonstrated this very clearly.

• Single men and women are unable to add a sibling or a friend to their extended health and dental plans while married and common-law individuals have the option of adding one another, as well as their children. This means single men and women are being compensated less for doing the same work as their married or common-law co-workers.

• Single men and women pay the same pension contribution percentage as married people and cannot assign their contributions to an individual of their choosing while a married person automatically obtains their deceased spouse’s contributions.

• If one person in a married or common-law relationship earns less than $10,382.00 per year, their spouse/partner can claim the difference under what’s called a non-refundable tax credit. This is something that singles cannot take advantage of, unless they’re supporting a parent or a child.

• Single, child-free women and men don’t have the option of taking a leave with pay unlike their co-workers with children who enjoy maternity and parental leave.

Would any of these examples of discrimination be acceptable if “single man” or “single woman” was replaced with “Black man” or “Korean woman”?

In addition to the social stigma that many single men and women experience, they must also accept legalized economic discrimination based solely on their marital status. 

It’s time that single men and women demand equal compensation and benefits from the government and their employers.

Am I Too Sensitive?

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.

Registered Clinical Counsellor

Recently, I received an email from Joyce (not her real name) whose married friends seem to be treating her differently because she’s single. Given my specialty in relationship transitions and the challenges single men and women face, I asked Joyce if I could post her question on my blog and she agreed (I’ve changed identifying information to protect her privacy). Read on to find out what I tell Joyce about how singles are sometimes treated differently. My answer may surprise you:

Dear Dr. Avni,

I’m a single 28 year-old woman and I feel like I’m losing my three best friends. We’ve all been best friends since elementary school and we’ve shared a lot of great memories. We used to hang out regularly before they got married. When they got engaged, I helped plan the engagement parties, stagettes, wedding showers, and bought them wedding gifts (even though I was a student at the time and really couldn’t afford to part with the cash). One of my friends had twins three years ago and I helped organize the baby shower and I’ve bought birthday gifts every year for the girls. 

I’m really happy for my friends, but there’s a part of me that resents them because they’ve never celebrated me the same way I’ve celebrated them. Even though I’m single, I think I’ve accomplished a few significant things that deserve a celebration (I was the first person in my family to get a university degree, I’ve run a marathon, and I recently got my blue belt in judo). 

Lately, I feel like I’m being excluded from the group. They don’t invite me when they go out to dinner or the symphony with their spouses. The friend with twins and her husband sometimes go when they can find a sitter. They’ll put pics on Facebook and talk about how much fun they had right in front of me. If they do invite me to go out, it’s usually for a girls-only brunch at a child-friendly place so my friend with the twins can come. 

Am I being too sensitive? Do I have some jealousy issues that I’m unaware of and need to solve? I’m hurt that I’m being excluded from the group. I know life circumstances change, but I don’t think that just because a person gets married gives them the right to treat their single friends so poorly.

--Joyce

Dear Joyce,

Thank you for taking the time to write to me. Before I provide you with my response, I would like to acknowledge what a kind and supportive friend you are. You’ve clearly spent a lot of time and money making your friends’ celebrations extra special because you knew how important their weddings, as well as the birth of the twins, were to them.  

Let me start of by saying that you are not being too sensitive and you do not have jealousy issues. You’ve spent many hours and, likely, thousands of dollars on your friends’ special occasions and have found that your special occasions were not acknowledged and/or celebrated in the same way. Your friends didn’t reciprocate your actions. Your resentment is normal and understandable. 

Your status within the group appears to have changed now that your friends are married. You used to enjoy dinners out and now you’re only invited to brunches in a child-friendly environment so that your friend with twins can attend. I’m wondering whether the venues your friends choose for their couples-only nights out are also child-friendly. If they’re not, do your friend and her husband hire a baby-sitter to look after the twins? The reason I ask is that if, in fact, they’re not child- friendly venues, then the message she’s sending is that she’s got the time and money for a baby-sitter when she wants to socialize with other couples, but not with you, a single woman. I sure hope I’m wrong about this.

Chances are, your friends may not have realized how their actions have been affecting you. Many married people don’t always realize that they treat their single friends and family members differently. Unfortunately, neglecting a single person’s special occasions and accomplishments is common (though it doesn’t make it okay). Many single people may feel that they’re reading too much into things or are being petty when they start to feel frustrated with how they’re being treated by their married friends or family members. 

Please don’t continue selling yourself short in the dignity department. Talk to your friends as a group (and not individually) and let them know how their actions have been affecting you. Provide them with specific examples. Resist the urge to blame and point fingers as this will likely make them feel defensive. Don’t be apologetic; you have the right to experience your feelings. They are what they are. They’re not “wrong” or “bad.” 

If you find that nothing has changed after you’ve expressed your concerns, perhaps it’s time to look for new friends who will honour you and celebrate your important achievements and special occasions and won’t demote you to a brunch (whether consciously or not) because you’re single.

Go ahead! Make a mistake!

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.  
Registered Clinical Counsellor

Did you grow up hearing that if you do things slowly and carefully enough, you won’t make any mistakes? Or that if you take the time to learn from other people’s mistakes, you can avoid making your own?

As well-meaning as this advice probably was, it likely did you more harm than good. How? By teaching you that it’s unacceptable to make mistakes and not to try anything new because of fear of failure. Research shows that perfectionists fear challenging tasks, take fewer risks, and are less creative than non-perfectionists.

No wonder so many people struggle with perfectionism and the feelings of anxiety and fear that can accompany it.

So how do you break free from perfectionism and allow yourself to make mistakes? Read on to find out: 

1)Determine where your perfectionism comes from.

Many people are afraid to make mistakes because they’re afraid of being criticized or seen as incompetent by parents, teachers, friends, co-workers, or people in general. Were you judged harshly or criticized for making mistakes growing up? Were you singled out in class for making a mistake and ridiculed by your teacher or peers? Think about where your perfectionism comes from. These early childhood experiences can have a lasting effect on you. 

2)Examine your beliefs about failure.

‘Failure’ is the other f-word that people don’t like to hear. Examine your thoughts about what would happen if you failed at something. For many people, if they fail at something, they automatically think that their mistake will lead to a catastrophe. For example, I failed my very first midterm in university. When I received my mark, I automatically thought that I would fail out of university and end up poor and homeless. Obviously, these thoughts were illogical, but that’s the nature of perfectionism – perfectionism is illogical because nobody can be perfect. What are your beliefs about failure? Chances are, they’re probably illogical. Think of an instance when you were scared to fail or make a mistake. What’s the worst thing that could happen if you failed or messed up? What would happen after that? How do you think you’d handle it?

3)Find examples that prove your beliefs about failure are wrong.

I’ve failed more than one test and forgotten what to say during more than one presentation. Guess what? I didn’t get kicked out of school and become homeless. More importantly, the world didn’t come to an end. Can you think of any facts that challenge your beliefs about making mistakes?

4)Develop new and healthy beliefs.

One reason why we fear making mistakes is because of the negative or critical reactions of others to our screw-ups. When we see others respond negatively to our mistakes, we learn to think that making mistakes is bad. Yet making mistakes is actually a good thing! How else would you learn? Think about when you were learning how to ride a bike. If you hadn’t fallen off your bike a few hundred times, you wouldn’t be able to ride a bike today. 

5)Allow yourself to make a mistake.

So many people beat themselves up for making a mistake that they lose sight of the fact that they’ve just been given a great learning opportunity. You may feel ashamed or embarrassed and tell yourself you’re a loser, an idiot, you’ve let down your family and friends, and think about your screw up over and over again. When you notice yourself doing this, stop and notice the emotions you’re experiencing and where you’re experiencing them in your body. Observe the thoughts going through your mind and label them as just that – thoughts. Thoughts are not facts. Ask yourself what you’ve learned from your mistake and how you might use what you’ve learned in the future. 

It’s easy to feel the pressure to excel in a society where our worth is largely dependent on how others evaluate us. Yet if you wish to learn and grow, you need to allow yourself to not only make mistakes, but to also learn how to handle the inevitable disappointment that comes with making them.