Who Are You Trying to Impress?

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.

Registered Clinical Counsellor 

Do you find yourself exhausted most of the time, yet feel that you’re not doing enough?

Do you resolve to do things differently every year, but then fall back into the same habits?

Do people tell you that you take on too much or that you need to slow down?

Stop and ask yourself why you’re doing so much. Is it because you want to do it all? Or do you feel obligated to do it all? If you truly enjoy doing it all – getting the perfect gift for your family and friends, making the perfect turkey dinner from scratch, making decorations – and truly feel satisfied, then keep doing it.

If you find yourself feeling more tired and resentful at the myriad of things you have committed yourself to doing, then stop and ask yourself the following questions: Who is telling you to “do it all”? Do you feel like a failure as a woman, a wife, a daughter, a sister, or a mother if everything isn’t perfect this holiday season? Will your in-laws quietly, but poignantly “tsk-tsk” you if everything isn’t just so?

If you truly enjoy doing everything for everybody and don’t feel an ounce of resentment for being pulled in many different directions by many different people and still enjoy making a ten course meal, then read no further.

If, on the other hand, you find yourself doing things for others hoping to impress them, one-up them, seek their love or approval, or otherwise distract yourself from pain and hurt in other areas of your life, then it’s time to seriously re-evaluate why you are catering to the needs to others while neglecting your own health and well-being.

You’re not doing anybody any good by being unkind to yourself. If anything, you’re showing others how to treat you. And you’re probably not setting a very good example, right?

When you don’t treat yourself kindly, then why should others?

How to Decrease Holiday Stress

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.

Registered Clinical Counsellor 

It’s that time of year again: family dinners, gift exchanges, and the same predictable questions that lead to tension and arguments, which can make the holiday season anything but festive. 

Your family has its own cast of characters with issues, repetitive patterns, and the same hurts and the same responses year after year. Nothing new comes out of these holiday gatherings, except a new layer of anger, stress, and disappointment.

What to do? Refuse to attend the family holiday gathering? No, it doesn’t have to come to that. While you can’t control how others will behave, you can control how you react to their behaviour. In other words, you can change your part in the script even though you can’t change the plot. 

Read on for my five steps to decrease holiday stress:

Step One: Resolve that you are not responsible for changing the family script. 

Step Two: Make a list of the major issues that will come up. Identify the people and their typical comments and behaviours. Make sure you do this for comments that are directed at you, as well as your comments to others. For example, your mom asks you for the umpteenth time why you’re not married yet or you tell your brother that he made a huge mistake marrying that awful woman (even when she’s sitting right across the table from you). 

Step Three: Write down your typical responses to the comments others make. For example, when your mom asks you when you’re finally going to bring a “special someone” to the family holiday dinner, your typical response is, “Why don’t you find a hobby, like picking lint from your sweaters?” Or you sit in silence, fuming over her nagging you to get married and then snap at your brother (who only asked you if you’re going shopping on Boxing Day).

Step Four: Write down your fantasy responses for each issue. You’re only human, right? If you want to throw your glass of wine in your mother’s face when she starts asking questions about your live life, write it down. Or if you can’t stand the sight of your sister-in-law and the only thing that would make the family dinner more bearable is telling her she’s a disgusting pig who can’t keep her house clean, write it down. You’re not going to share this with anyone, so you might as well be honest and have some fun doing it.

Step Five: Create an action plan. Write down three neutral, non-inflammatory responses for each problematic issue that comes up. These responses should steer the conversation in a different direction (“Yes, Aunt Mary’s new boyfriend does look like he just graduated from college. Did I tell you that I’m going to Nepal in March?” change the tone of the conversation (“I’d be happy to wear something more festive” and go change into the ugliest top you can find), or end the conversation (“Thanks for your suggestion, but I’m sticking with my original decision”).

While there’s no guarantee that doing something different will have a lasting effect on others, you’ll at least decrease your stress levels and increase your chances of actually having some fun if you follow the steps outlined above.