Single? It’s Ok (and Legal) to Discriminate Against You

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.

Registered Clinical Counsellor 

Single? You’re being discriminated against. The government, as well as many employers, thinks it’s okay.

Discriminating against single people is something that most people likely haven’t thought about. Yet economic discrimination against single people is legally sanctioned. These are just a few examples of the ways in which single men and women are legally discriminated against in Canada:

•  In the workplace, if you’re a single man, you’re being paid far less than a married man for the same work. Research has demonstrated this very clearly.

• Single men and women are unable to add a sibling or a friend to their extended health and dental plans while married and common-law individuals have the option of adding one another, as well as their children. This means single men and women are being compensated less for doing the same work as their married or common-law co-workers.

• Single men and women pay the same pension contribution percentage as married people and cannot assign their contributions to an individual of their choosing while a married person automatically obtains their deceased spouse’s contributions.

• If one person in a married or common-law relationship earns less than $10,382.00 per year, their spouse/partner can claim the difference under what’s called a non-refundable tax credit. This is something that singles cannot take advantage of, unless they’re supporting a parent or a child.

• Single, child-free women and men don’t have the option of taking a leave with pay unlike their co-workers with children who enjoy maternity and parental leave.

Would any of these examples of discrimination be acceptable if “single man” or “single woman” was replaced with “Black man” or “Korean woman”?

In addition to the social stigma that many single men and women experience, they must also accept legalized economic discrimination based solely on their marital status. 

It’s time that single men and women demand equal compensation and benefits from the government and their employers.

Am I Too Sensitive?

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.

Registered Clinical Counsellor

Recently, I received an email from Joyce (not her real name) whose married friends seem to be treating her differently because she’s single. Given my specialty in relationship transitions and the challenges single men and women face, I asked Joyce if I could post her question on my blog and she agreed (I’ve changed identifying information to protect her privacy). Read on to find out what I tell Joyce about how singles are sometimes treated differently. My answer may surprise you:

Dear Dr. Avni,

I’m a single 28 year-old woman and I feel like I’m losing my three best friends. We’ve all been best friends since elementary school and we’ve shared a lot of great memories. We used to hang out regularly before they got married. When they got engaged, I helped plan the engagement parties, stagettes, wedding showers, and bought them wedding gifts (even though I was a student at the time and really couldn’t afford to part with the cash). One of my friends had twins three years ago and I helped organize the baby shower and I’ve bought birthday gifts every year for the girls. 

I’m really happy for my friends, but there’s a part of me that resents them because they’ve never celebrated me the same way I’ve celebrated them. Even though I’m single, I think I’ve accomplished a few significant things that deserve a celebration (I was the first person in my family to get a university degree, I’ve run a marathon, and I recently got my blue belt in judo). 

Lately, I feel like I’m being excluded from the group. They don’t invite me when they go out to dinner or the symphony with their spouses. The friend with twins and her husband sometimes go when they can find a sitter. They’ll put pics on Facebook and talk about how much fun they had right in front of me. If they do invite me to go out, it’s usually for a girls-only brunch at a child-friendly place so my friend with the twins can come. 

Am I being too sensitive? Do I have some jealousy issues that I’m unaware of and need to solve? I’m hurt that I’m being excluded from the group. I know life circumstances change, but I don’t think that just because a person gets married gives them the right to treat their single friends so poorly.

--Joyce

Dear Joyce,

Thank you for taking the time to write to me. Before I provide you with my response, I would like to acknowledge what a kind and supportive friend you are. You’ve clearly spent a lot of time and money making your friends’ celebrations extra special because you knew how important their weddings, as well as the birth of the twins, were to them.  

Let me start of by saying that you are not being too sensitive and you do not have jealousy issues. You’ve spent many hours and, likely, thousands of dollars on your friends’ special occasions and have found that your special occasions were not acknowledged and/or celebrated in the same way. Your friends didn’t reciprocate your actions. Your resentment is normal and understandable. 

Your status within the group appears to have changed now that your friends are married. You used to enjoy dinners out and now you’re only invited to brunches in a child-friendly environment so that your friend with twins can attend. I’m wondering whether the venues your friends choose for their couples-only nights out are also child-friendly. If they’re not, do your friend and her husband hire a baby-sitter to look after the twins? The reason I ask is that if, in fact, they’re not child- friendly venues, then the message she’s sending is that she’s got the time and money for a baby-sitter when she wants to socialize with other couples, but not with you, a single woman. I sure hope I’m wrong about this.

Chances are, your friends may not have realized how their actions have been affecting you. Many married people don’t always realize that they treat their single friends and family members differently. Unfortunately, neglecting a single person’s special occasions and accomplishments is common (though it doesn’t make it okay). Many single people may feel that they’re reading too much into things or are being petty when they start to feel frustrated with how they’re being treated by their married friends or family members. 

Please don’t continue selling yourself short in the dignity department. Talk to your friends as a group (and not individually) and let them know how their actions have been affecting you. Provide them with specific examples. Resist the urge to blame and point fingers as this will likely make them feel defensive. Don’t be apologetic; you have the right to experience your feelings. They are what they are. They’re not “wrong” or “bad.” 

If you find that nothing has changed after you’ve expressed your concerns, perhaps it’s time to look for new friends who will honour you and celebrate your important achievements and special occasions and won’t demote you to a brunch (whether consciously or not) because you’re single.

Go ahead! Make a mistake!

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.  
Registered Clinical Counsellor

Did you grow up hearing that if you do things slowly and carefully enough, you won’t make any mistakes? Or that if you take the time to learn from other people’s mistakes, you can avoid making your own?

As well-meaning as this advice probably was, it likely did you more harm than good. How? By teaching you that it’s unacceptable to make mistakes and not to try anything new because of fear of failure. Research shows that perfectionists fear challenging tasks, take fewer risks, and are less creative than non-perfectionists.

No wonder so many people struggle with perfectionism and the feelings of anxiety and fear that can accompany it.

So how do you break free from perfectionism and allow yourself to make mistakes? Read on to find out: 

1)Determine where your perfectionism comes from.

Many people are afraid to make mistakes because they’re afraid of being criticized or seen as incompetent by parents, teachers, friends, co-workers, or people in general. Were you judged harshly or criticized for making mistakes growing up? Were you singled out in class for making a mistake and ridiculed by your teacher or peers? Think about where your perfectionism comes from. These early childhood experiences can have a lasting effect on you. 

2)Examine your beliefs about failure.

‘Failure’ is the other f-word that people don’t like to hear. Examine your thoughts about what would happen if you failed at something. For many people, if they fail at something, they automatically think that their mistake will lead to a catastrophe. For example, I failed my very first midterm in university. When I received my mark, I automatically thought that I would fail out of university and end up poor and homeless. Obviously, these thoughts were illogical, but that’s the nature of perfectionism – perfectionism is illogical because nobody can be perfect. What are your beliefs about failure? Chances are, they’re probably illogical. Think of an instance when you were scared to fail or make a mistake. What’s the worst thing that could happen if you failed or messed up? What would happen after that? How do you think you’d handle it?

3)Find examples that prove your beliefs about failure are wrong.

I’ve failed more than one test and forgotten what to say during more than one presentation. Guess what? I didn’t get kicked out of school and become homeless. More importantly, the world didn’t come to an end. Can you think of any facts that challenge your beliefs about making mistakes?

4)Develop new and healthy beliefs.

One reason why we fear making mistakes is because of the negative or critical reactions of others to our screw-ups. When we see others respond negatively to our mistakes, we learn to think that making mistakes is bad. Yet making mistakes is actually a good thing! How else would you learn? Think about when you were learning how to ride a bike. If you hadn’t fallen off your bike a few hundred times, you wouldn’t be able to ride a bike today. 

5)Allow yourself to make a mistake.

So many people beat themselves up for making a mistake that they lose sight of the fact that they’ve just been given a great learning opportunity. You may feel ashamed or embarrassed and tell yourself you’re a loser, an idiot, you’ve let down your family and friends, and think about your screw up over and over again. When you notice yourself doing this, stop and notice the emotions you’re experiencing and where you’re experiencing them in your body. Observe the thoughts going through your mind and label them as just that – thoughts. Thoughts are not facts. Ask yourself what you’ve learned from your mistake and how you might use what you’ve learned in the future. 

It’s easy to feel the pressure to excel in a society where our worth is largely dependent on how others evaluate us. Yet if you wish to learn and grow, you need to allow yourself to not only make mistakes, but to also learn how to handle the inevitable disappointment that comes with making them.