Ten Tips for Living Your Single Life Fully and Unapologetically

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.

Registered Clinical Counsellor

You know that being single is how you want to live your life. Unfortunately, not everyone may agree with your decision and some may not hesitate to tell you so. Read my ten tips on how to live your single life fully and without apologies: 

1)Acknowledge and accept that you live in a marriage-obsessed society

We live in a society that stereotypes, devalues, and pathologizes singles. Your family, friends, and co-workers may do so, too (unintentionally...or not, on occasion). It’s ok to remind yourself that it’s not easy being single in a marriage-obsessed society.

2)Throw away those people-pleasing scripts

Your family and friends want to see you get married. If you know that married life isn’t for you, then start taking charge of your life by throwing away people-pleasing scripts. Stop telling others what you think they want to hear (“I’d love to get married someday, I just haven’t met the right person yet.”). Tell them that while you appreciate their good wishes, you know that you’re happiest single. If they want you to be happy, they’ll stop asking about your dating life.  

3)Decide how you’re going to handle the inevitable comments or putdowns of your single status

Some people may make rude comments when they find out you’re single. While you can’t control other people’s reactions, you can choose how you’ll react to their behaviour. Just remember that a little humour and witticism go a long way:

Question: “Why aren’t you married?”

Response: “Why aren’t you an accountant?”

4)Stop defending your single status

Perhaps you’ve known for a while that you’re happiest single. Or maybe you’re content being single and would like to be in a relationship again at some point. Your relationship status doesn’t require justification to every Tom, Dick, and Nosy Nelly who wants to know why you’re single. Your relationship status is private and shouldn’t be the topic of conversation (unless you bring it up). After all, do your married or coupled friends publicize their sex life? Do you think they would like it if their sex life were the topic of conversation? I didn't think so, either.

5)Pursue your passions 

Have you always wanted to learn Spanish or how to make sushi? Then go learn! Read books, take classes, or find community groups that support members in developing their hobby. If someone tells you that taking these classes will increase your chances of finding a partner, remind them that you’re doing it for yourself and not for the possibility of meeting someone. 

6)Educate yourself and others about the marriage myth

Research has shown that singles are just as happy and healthy as married couples.* In fact, studies have also shown that married people do not live longer than single people.** So next time a health care professional, family member, or friend tells you to get married because you’ll be happier and you’ll give longer, you can tell them that the get-married-and-be-happier-and-live-longer thing is a lie. 

7)Re-think how you view relationships

Many people think of a romantic partner when they hear the word ‘relationship.’ Yet this word encompasses many different types of relationships: friendships, family relationships, relationships with the children in your life, work relationships, mentorship, etc. In our society, the only type of relationship that seems to matter is the monogamous sexual relationship with a spouse. Don’t fall into this thinking trap. 

8)Surround yourself with supportive people 

Surround yourself with people who love, support, and accept you for who you are, whether you’re single or not. If a friend constantly tries to set you up on blind dates, tell them that you’re not interested. If that doesn’t work, remind them that they’re imposing their values (wanting to become un-single) onto you. If that still doesn’t work, and this person is married, give them a divorce lawyer’s business card every time they bring up a blind date. They’ll get the hint pretty quickly.

9)Decide if you want to include physical intimacy in your life

Physical intimacy isn’t just about sex; it also includes intimate gazes, touching, holding hands, hugging, kissing, and caressing. Think about how much physical intimacy you want in your life. Some singles may want physically intimate encounters regularly while others are perfectly happy without physical intimacy. The amount of physical intimacy you want is a personal choice and shouldn’t be defined by what your friends or the media tell you.

10)Respect your time and resources

You’ve probably shelled out a significant amount of time and money to attend a number of engagement parties, bridal showers, weddings, stags, and stagettes. While these are joyous occasions, you can’t help but feel resentful because the same amount of time, attention, and resources may not given to you for your special occasions. This is perfectly normal and doesn’t mean you’re jealous (unlike what many so-called relationship experts would say). The reciprocal nature of gift-giving doesn’t exist if you’re single. If you’re growing resentful of constantly giving your time and resources to your coupled friends, yet receive nothing in return for your important occasions, it’s time to either discuss the matter with your friends or re-evaluate your generosity and/or friendship.   

*http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/201102/10-myths-about-single-people-here-are-the-first-4

**http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/living-single/201007/death-and-marital-status-the-link-is-not-what-you-think

Anxiety: Know Your Enemy

By: Anoosha Avni, Ph.D.

Registered Clinical Counsellor

In my previous post, I talked about why your anxiety isn’t getting better, no matter how much you exercise, sleep, eat better, or take vitamins or anti-anxiety medication. The reason is because these strategies teach you that anxiety is abnormal and should be avoided or managed in order to live a rich and fulfilling life.

So what are you supposed to do when anxiety starts to creep up on you?

The most important step you can take is to stop struggling against anxiety. Stop trying to control unwanted thoughts, feelings, images, fears, and worries. Stop the relentless tug-of-war. Allow yourself to feel the anxiety just as it is, in its entirety, without judgment, and without beating yourself up. One way of doing this is by practicing mindfulness.

Mindfulness involves paying attention to your present experience on a moment-to-moment basis in a curious, open, and nonjudgmental way. It involves being aware of what’s going on in your mind, body, and heart. Mindfulness is about connecting with yourself and appreciating the richness and fullness of each moment of life.

Mindfulness can help you learn to experience unwanted thoughts and feelings AND learn how to distance yourself from them so you can keep doing what you want to do, like go to the movies, ride on an airplane, take an elevator, meet new people, etc. Mindfulness can help you live a rich and full life, in spite of anxiety and fear. 

When you’re no longer struggling  against anxiety, you’re doing three things: You’re acknowledging the struggle itself, you’re allowing yourself to experience just how exhausting and pointless that struggle is (and has been and will continue to be), and you’re facing how the struggle has kept you stuck in the same place for months, or even years. This can be an incredibly liberating experience.

No longer fighting or running away from your anxiety is probably one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Yet trying to control your anxiety will make your life worse, not better. Practicing mindfulness can help you become aware of what you’re avoiding while allowing you to experience unpleasant thoughts and feelings safely while developing self-acceptance and compassion for yourself. This sounds like a much better alternative to the never-ending tug-of-war with anxiety, doesn’t it?